Throughout the last month (the time that I've been on WW), I've had a few times where I felt kind of hopeless and pretty down on myself. The message boards are pretty helpful with that, especially when I read of other people's trials, failures and successes. One of my worst habits if self-sabotage. I know I'm much harder on myself than I am on anyone else. With that said, I'm trying to change. You can't go from disliking yourself to being your own biggest cheerleader overnight. I'm doing the best I can.
I think C25K has helped by letting me physically feel my accomplishments. I've been thinking about it on and off and I think that my efforts have to be directed at the three following things:
1. GRE/Grad School
Honestly...the job I have, while I'm very lucky to have, is a bit soul-draining. I really really really hate dealing with the egos, and being nothing more than a glorified secretary. I get that I'm a new graduate and all, but this shit sucks. So I'm buying myself a GRE book at lunch, and launching this whole thing. I think actually taking steps towards that will make me feel better. Hopefully it doesn't backfire by making me impatient toward the final goal...
2. Running
This whole running thing is kind of a shock to me. I look forward to running...I like how it makes me feel. It hurts, and it's hard, but those endorphins? Absolutely addictive. I think my hate for running stems from two places - 1. I have a lazy streak and 2. My dad used to force my to run as a chubby kid to lose weight. This seriously sucked.
Dad: So, do you like running?
Me: No
Dad: So what DO you like?
Me: Not running...
I was 11 or 12 when this conversation took place, and while it garnered lots of laughs at the time, it's been my (negative) mindset ever since then. I'm not going to overthink this whole running thing. I like it for now, and I'll keep doing it until I don't.
3. Losing Weight
The way WW has made me reconsider weight loss has been very...weird. I'm used to equating weight loss with hunger; when I feel my stomach rumble I naturally FEEL thinner, which is really fucked up in itself. I haven't felt starved and obviously I'm eating healthier. I look and feel thinner, and it hasn't been THAT hard to make better choices. Do I love french fries and fried chicken and deliciously decadent chocolate cake? UH YES. But do I get sick after eating all that grease and sugar? Yup. So yes, I'll indulge...I just don't have that dieter's obsession anymore. The fear of never having that item again is what lead me (and probably many others) to binge on food like that, and then feel overwhelming shame and guilt and fear. It's really amazing how a relationship with food can become so abusive.
WW has this whole thing of celebrating your little victories along the road to your final goal. I kind of disregarded it because it was either all or nothing. So many people on the boards have these little checklists in their signatures with the things they will get for themselves when they reach a small goal, like a manicure, new shoes, new iPod, etc. I think it's time I set these goals for myself. I'm not big on...stuff, but if it's worked for others, maybe it'll work for me. So with that, I present my list of goodies to get when I reach a goal (the official name for this list should probably be a little catchier)
[ ] 5% - running gear (pants, top, and maybe even new running sneakers?)
[ ] 10% - winter boots
[ ] 25 lbs - massage
This is pretty much all that I could come up with....weak. I'll reevaluate when I get there.
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