How to Get From A to B

It's been too long since I've written.

I've accomplished some things, but am afraid to even start on others. I like expressing myself with words, but seem to have a difficult time doing so on paper. I don't know what that fear is, but I need to conquer it.

A road less traveled

So it seems like I won't be able to take the Editorial writing class at SMPA.

Which brings me to this question:
How the hell do I get to where I want to go? I like to write, I write well, but I have no degree that says that I do any writing whatsoever. It's about experience and networking, and I'm lost on how to get from Point A to Point "I-love-my-job-in-editorial-matters". Looks like after May I will need to start looking for jobs in magazines, publishing companies, etc.

Gears wearing thin

I've decided that I'm losing motivation, and not paying too strict of attention to how I'm doing. While I'm all for being laidback and not obsessive on this journey, I'm now realizing the important of celebrating the little victories along the way. I've been thinking about getting myself running gear, but I've also been putting it off because I keep telling myself I can run in my normal sneakers, in my yoga pants, layers of shirts, etc etc. The result? The past week has SUCKED for my running. I'm starting to hate it, and I know that deep down inside I actually like it.

So first of all: no running inside unless it's pouring rain outside. Running inside is boring and totally demoralizing. I need me some scenery, even if it's just my little old neighborhood.

Second: I need to "earn" my gear.
I've lost 10 pounds so far (and hopefully don't see a gain at today's weigh in),

So let's see:

12 lbs: Running socks. These need to cover my ankle because when my yoga pants ride up, my ankles get cold. Which leads me to...

15 lbs: Running pants, preferably tights. I need them to be snug on my body so that they don't ride up while I run. I've seen some on Nike and on UnderArmour, so it'll really be a matter of finding a place to try them on and comparing prices.

18 lbs: Running Gloves. I've read that it's important to find ones that wick moisture away from sweaty palms.

20 lbs: RUNNING SNEAKERS. I know, I know, I've mentioned this before, but have kept putting it off. Once I reach 20 (which will be my 10%!) I'll go and get fitted. I know that I'll need to bring my current sneakers and my orthotics to really explain the extend of my problem with my feet.


I'll reevaluate after I get to the 20 lb mark. By then, if I'm losing inches the same way I have for the first 10 pounds, I'll need to go shopping for a pair of work pants AND in my closet for some of the older jeans I put away.

Darkness at Noon

I have trouble showing emotional honesty in a public forum. I talk feelings all the time with the people close to me, but I can't write even a remotely emotional status on Facebook or show that I'm sad about something in a big group of people. That's a bad example. Maybe more like, I tend to avoid feelings that I don't like, which is also an obvious truth. Who the hell likes feeling sad? So that's not it. If someone tries to confront me about a particular feeling they're experiencing, I will get frustrated (very quickly), announce that I don't want to talk about it, and put my hands up to signal that the conversation is over.

Jeez, and I thought I was all about feelings and emotions and being all open.

Baby steps with about 2 tons of force

Throughout the last month (the time that I've been on WW), I've had a few times where I felt kind of hopeless and pretty down on myself. The message boards are pretty helpful with that, especially when I read of other people's trials, failures and successes. One of my worst habits if self-sabotage. I know I'm much harder on myself than I am on anyone else. With that said, I'm trying to change. You can't go from disliking yourself to being your own biggest cheerleader overnight. I'm doing the best I can.

I think C25K has helped by letting me physically feel my accomplishments. I've been thinking about it on and off and I think that my efforts have to be directed at the three following things:

1. GRE/Grad School
Honestly...the job I have, while I'm very lucky to have, is a bit soul-draining. I really really really hate dealing with the egos, and being nothing more than a glorified secretary. I get that I'm a new graduate and all, but this shit sucks. So I'm buying myself a GRE book at lunch, and launching this whole thing. I think actually taking steps towards that will make me feel better. Hopefully it doesn't backfire by making me impatient toward the final goal...

2. Running
This whole running thing is kind of a shock to me. I look forward to running...I like how it makes me feel. It hurts, and it's hard, but those endorphins? Absolutely addictive. I think my hate for running stems from two places - 1. I have a lazy streak and 2. My dad used to force my to run as a chubby kid to lose weight. This seriously sucked.

Dad: So, do you like running?
Me: No
Dad: So what DO you like?
Me: Not running...

I was 11 or 12 when this conversation took place, and while it garnered lots of laughs at the time, it's been my (negative) mindset ever since then. I'm not going to overthink this whole running thing. I like it for now, and I'll keep doing it until I don't.


3. Losing Weight
The way WW has made me reconsider weight loss has been very...weird. I'm used to equating weight loss with hunger; when I feel my stomach rumble I naturally FEEL thinner, which is really fucked up in itself. I haven't felt starved and obviously I'm eating healthier. I look and feel thinner, and it hasn't been THAT hard to make better choices. Do I love french fries and fried chicken and deliciously decadent chocolate cake? UH YES. But do I get sick after eating all that grease and sugar? Yup. So yes, I'll indulge...I just don't have that dieter's obsession anymore. The fear of never having that item again is what lead me (and probably many others) to binge on food like that, and then feel overwhelming shame and guilt and fear. It's really amazing how a relationship with food can become so abusive.

WW has this whole thing of celebrating your little victories along the road to your final goal. I kind of disregarded it because it was either all or nothing. So many people on the boards have these little checklists in their signatures with the things they will get for themselves when they reach a small goal, like a manicure, new shoes, new iPod, etc. I think it's time I set these goals for myself. I'm not big on...stuff, but if it's worked for others, maybe it'll work for me. So with that, I present my list of goodies to get when I reach a goal (the official name for this list should probably be a little catchier)

[ ] 5% - running gear (pants, top, and maybe even new running sneakers?)
[ ] 10% - winter boots
[ ] 25 lbs - massage

This is pretty much all that I could come up with....weak. I'll reevaluate when I get there.

But my couch is just so inviting...

Yesterday was my first day of Couch to 5K. It wasn't completely impossible to do a minute of running, and a minute and a half of walking. The hardest part was definitely the mental weight of this whole enterprise. The entire time my mind went on a little rollercoaster of positivity and negativity.

I can totally do this!
Oh my god, how will I ever build up the stamina and strength necessary to run long distances?
This feels great!
My legs hurt.
I can only imagine how my legs will look after I tackle this whole challenge.
I want buffalo wings.

Ugh. I've realized that the only way for me to tackle this is so just NOT THINK ABOUT IT. If I don't think about it and just do it, it'll become natural to push myself beyond fatigue and laziness and run....right?

Yeah, let's go with that.

Ale-ale-alejandro!

I usually have terrible ADD when working out, so I tend to bring a magazine to read so that I can stay on one machine without feeling like I'm going to die of boredom. Today, I made spontaneous playlist on my iPod, and stayed on the elliptical for a full half hour. So super proud of myself. Also love feeling strong. These past two weeks when I've been working out, I almost get a high from it.

I also think that I will go to a dietitian to make sure I'm eating what I need to be eating to be healthy.